30.03.2008

Was Sammy heute Samuel sagt. Über die Eltern

Sammy: „Es hat lange gedauert, bevor ich eine Ahnung davon bekam, dass ich existierte. Irgendwie schien alles ein Traum zu sein. Ich war aber glücklich & glücklich & glücklich, vor allem, wenn ich am Abend auf der Fensterbank meines Zimmers saß und die Amsel singen hörte. In einem Buch von links nach rechts hatte ich gelesen, dass die Amsel der Singvogel der Stadt genannt wird. Irgendwie schien mir das besser oder höher oder tiefer zu sein, als ein Singvogel im Wald. Weil im Wald niemand zu hört.“

„Ich habe lange nicht verstanden, dass Häuser gebaut werden. Ich meinte, ohne es wirklich zu meinen – ich hatte es irgendwie gemerkt – dass Häuser einfach da sind, so wie alles einfach da ist: die große Wiese im Park, der Bach an der anderen Seite der Strasse, die Schule auf dem Hügel, das Elektrizitätshäuschen um die Ecke... Alles ist immer vorhanden gewesen. Mein Vater und meine Mutter waren immer vorhanden gewesen. Und ich war immer vorhanden gewesen, obwohl ich gerade das nicht verstand – dass ich vorhanden war.“

„War ich vorhanden? Bin ich vorhanden? Was heißt es, vorhanden zu sein? Samuel, bist du vorhanden? Und bin ich für Dich vorhanden? (Und sind meine Hände vorhanden?) Irgendwie scheint es mir jetzt so zu sein, dass ich gerade nicht vorhanden bin, weil das Vorhandene doch vorhanden ist für mich? Ich kann doch nicht das sein, was für mich vorhanden ist?“

„Eine erste Ahnung davon, dass ich existiere, habe ich über die Augen meines Großvaters gekriegt. Er war klein & kahl & gegerbt. Er sagte nie etwas. Er rauchte alles mögliche: Zigaretten, Zigarren und Pfeife. Und er schwieg. Mein Großvater schwieg aktiv, so wie die meisten Menschen aktiv reden. Schweigen war seine Sprache. Seine Augen aber – braun, tief versteckt in großen Augenhöhlen – schauten auf alles was vorhanden war. Und alles was vorhanden war, steigerte sich in seinem Blick. Wenn er auf eine kupferne Granathülse schaute, stand sie auf einmal angenommen & überzeugend & mächtig im Raum.“

„Er schaute auch auf mich. Wenn er ins Wohnzimmer meiner Eltern eintrat, suchte sein Blick mich, berührte sein Blick mich, weckte sein Blick mich auf, so, als ob sein Blick eine Art Draht ist, der mich aus meinem inneren Meer an den Strand zog. Sein Blick brachte mich in die Luft und ins Licht hinein. In seinem Blick gab es etwas Lebendiges, dass mich ansteckte & nicht nur ins Weltenlicht brachte, sondern auch zu mir führte. Ja, ich würde sagen: in dem Blick meines Großvaters wurde ich geboren. Aus seinem Blick bin ich hervor gegangen.“

„Und manchmal frage ich mich: Ist er die Person in der Tarnkappe?“

„Mein Vater und meine Mutter waren mir fremd. Lieber Samuel, es fällt mir schwer zu beschreiben, wie ich die beiden gesehen habe, oder eben gar nicht gesehen habe. Sie waren irgendwie wie Gegenstände die man nicht anfasst, weil sie unbedingt sauber bleiben müssen. Sie zu berühren würde zu Krankheiten führen. Berühren würde zerstören. Berühren würde irgendwie die Welt in ihrem Kern aus dem Gleichgewicht heben. Die Körper meiner Eltern waren mir nicht zugehörig – sie befanden sich in einer anderen Welt, die sich parallel zu meiner, aber unerreichbar, fortbewegten in eine für mich nicht nachvollziehbare Richtung.“

„Es ist nicht so, dass ich die beiden nicht liebte. Und umgekehrt glaube ich bestimmt, dass sie mich liebten. Es war aber eine Liebe ohne eine wirkliche Verwandtschaft, so wie der Kuckuck in einem fremden Nest. Ist es nicht so, dass wir nur sehen & verstehen können, was wir irgendwie schon kennen? Samuel, sag mir, würde Plato das nicht bestätigen?“

„Ich glaube aber, dass man lieben kann, was man nicht kennt. Man kann lieben ohne zu erkennen. Die Liebe zu meiner Mutter und zu meinem Vater war aber nicht selbstverständlich, nicht vertraut, nicht von alleine... Jeden Tag wenn ich aus der Schule kam und über den Gartenweg ins Haus gelangte, war ich somewhere deep down überrascht meine Mutter anzutreffen, so, als ob ich nicht mit ihr gerechnet hätte. Ja, sie hatte immer Tee gekocht. Immer Tee. Und immer gab es Kuchen & Süßigkeiten & Schokolade. Und immer hat sie geraucht, wie mein Großvater, der ihr Vater war. Und immer habe ich gedacht: sie hat auch die braunen und tiefen Augen meines Großvaters - sie sah mich aber irgendwie nicht.“

"Samuel, ich muss jetzt schweigen. Weil ich weinen muss. Weil ich meine Mutter liebe, gerade auch deshalb, weil ich ihr fremd war. Weil sie meine Sehnsucht nach der Bewegung von links nach rechts nicht verstand. Weil sie, wenn sie auf mich schaute, immer etwas vermisst hat, ohne zu wissen, dass sie es vermisste. Sie muss das Gefühl gehabt haben, in ein schwarzes Loch zu schauen - genau das, was ich erlebte, als ich noch ganz ober war. Vielleicht ist das der Grund dafür, dass sie mich nie spontan umarmen konnte?"

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    Lieber Jelle!
    Tausend Dank für deine Geschichte! Deine Beschreibungen über deine Eltern, insbesondere deine Mutter, helfen mir sehr bei meinen Bemühungen, meine Beziehung zu meinen Eltern - oder meine Sichtweise auf meine Eltern - zu verwandeln.
    Viele herzliche Grüße!!

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  2. Anonym21.4.08

    Lieber Jelle!
    Es gibt noch die Richtung des Erlebens der Eltern zu ihren Kindern, diese ist nicht weniger verwandt oder unverwandt.Ein Kind führt dich durch tausend und millionen verschiedener Dimensionen ,wenn du dich darauf einläßt.Auch meine Bewegründe bleiben als Mutter dem Kind verschloßen, denn das gehen duchs Leben ist von vielen Farben begleitet und das Kind bleibt dabei der Mittelpunkt,egal was passiert.
    Großmutter konnte auch sehen, fühlen ,duften und hatte die liebsten Hände der Welt.Und ich weiß heute das sie im Alter allein war. Diese unglaubliche Nähe zu ihr, die ich heute besitze, stammt aus ihrer Treue und Liebe zu mir, trotz meiner äußerlichen Ferne. Sieh das erlebe ich nun, wo sie schon lange da oben ist und hier zugleich.Diese Verwandlungen im Leben und mit dem Weitergehen da oben, die sind mit uns im Gespräch oder so.Und die sind auch farbig, nur mit noch viel mehr Farbklängen und vielem Bedeutungsvollem für das Leben um sich selbst mit daran zu entwickeln. Es ist an der Zeit zu verstehen was eine Begegnung ist.bei Rilke heißt das: ich habe still die Augen auf dich gelegt und sie halten dich fest und sie lassen dich los,wenn ein ding sich bewegt... in diesem Sinne.Liebe Grüße, Muckel

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